@leez_rat

Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*
OH MY GOSH SORRY FOR THE POCKET TEXT LMAO

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@LarrysTwin99

My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen

@SortaBad

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

@BrucioMcCulloch

I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”

@ericsshadow

*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*

@randomlawless

I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.

@gabeserra

My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.

@NintenDom

My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.

@karanbirtinna

I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.

@mayamanion

Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.