Ur hot plz marry me.
*no reply*

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My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen


*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”


I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”


*orders pepperoni pizza*

Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.

*calls back, adds mushrooms*


I am NOT just ‘a piece of meat’ you know. I’m a ribeye steak… a bit fatty, but still quite tasty.

Ok, I lied. I’m pork butt.


I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.


My 3 yr old puts himself in timeout whenever he doesn’t want to do something we ask him to. Pretty sure he just beat the system.


My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.


I am a brown supremacist. I dream that the whole world will be one giant call centre one day.


Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.