her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
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To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
And Satan said “Let them drink instant coffee”.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
ME FEAR ME (Women want fish)
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
If pulled pork is pulled apart, can we call sausages “pushed pork?”
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
My grandparents’ generation was so committed to vacation photos they’d flip their goddamn car and it would still be like “Marge, get in here.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”