Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
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I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
judge: what do you have to say for yourself
scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers
judge: oh damn
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
glitter can neither be created nor destroyed, only transferred from one location to another
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*