Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
70 percent of parenting is sounding like a Scooby-Doo villain when you tell your spouse, “And I would have been able to get to those dishes if it weren’t for those meddling kids!”
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
when you try to think up jokes about boxing, the punchlines write themselves
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
“Dave just showed up”
Dave the fireman or Dave who always uses inappropriate abbreviations?
*Dave barges in* HEY GUYS I’M DTF
“Yeah I dunno”
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
I was reading to my kids today and in the story, there was a pregnant woman.
My 3 year-old asked, “What happened to her belly?”
I replied, “There’s a baby in there.”
3 was horrified; “She ate a baby?!”
Sensing a good opportunity, I said “Yes.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Me recordaron éste meme
If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can