I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
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I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me
employee: i recommend a medium
me: ok do you know any good ones?
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now