@GrillinChillin9

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

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@Jennifergr8

I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.

@El_nacho_Nigre

I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.

@WheelTod

Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.

@AmericanGent69

Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.

@david8hughes

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

@JediGigi

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

@abbycohenwl

I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right

@daemonic3

[clothing store]

me: can you help estimate what size i am? my deceased wife used to buy all my shirts for me

employee: i recommend a medium

me: ok do you know any good ones?

@Megatronic13

Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her

Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?

Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really

Me: why are you on her laptop?

Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now