Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
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“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Just saw a dude catcall a woman with “Nice heels, girl” and his friend slapped him and said “Those are knock offs, bro”
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
From my Mom
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Feeling sorry for cannibals who are social distancing.
No handshakes…
just cold shoulders.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
Apparently the guy next to me and I aren’t even going to discuss who uses this armrest.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.