Me: As a descendant of Genghis Khan, I am more than comfortable on a horse!
Kid: Mister, you have to put a quarter in for them to go around
Urge is strong to leave work early on summer Fridays to avoid traffic. Most do it & become the traffic they sought to avoid.
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wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
I’m torn between having ‘wish you were here’ or ‘look behind you’ engraved on my headstone.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
My 6yo has been rolling around on the floor for 30 mins whining for me to get her some juice cause SHE doesn’t want to
Go ahead. Have kids
Marriage has taught me that communication is key. I talk to my therapist & she talks to hers. Its not perfect, but its progress.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.