Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
You Might Also Like
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
I don’t know how to act 40, so I’m just doing what I did when I was 20 twice as hard.
I thought I was a decent driver, but while I was driving my 7-year-old comforted her crying baby sister by saying, “Don’t worry. You’ll get used to it.”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Maybe they have better connections than you.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning
Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*
Me: I hate you
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that