Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
Doctor: The surgery was a success and your husband should wake up in a few hours.
My wife: I thought you said this surgery didn’t require for him to be unconscious?
Doctor: It didn’t but he started talking and-
My wife: I understand.
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
THE AUDACITY. 😤
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
I have two kinds of followers
Blew out my flip flop…
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
Turns out it wasn’t vertigo causing me to run into things, it was vodka.
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.