@KylePlantEmoji

Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?

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@KyleMcDowell86

*rolls up on dance battle*

Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ

*hands out pamphlets*

@Jack_Wagon1

“What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers* “What do you mean there’s not a secret passageway?”

@English_Channel

I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st

@blakeslun

british mfs be like yeah we hit the club in west gloucestershire then took a cab to pucklechurch and ended the night in upper bucklebury

@KeetPotato

cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop:
noah:
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life

@rockymomax

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

@13spencer

You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.

@karanbirtinna

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.

Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.

@realHamOnWry

As you grow older you’ll start feeling your body getting stiffer. But don’t worry … it’s just rigor mortis practicing for the big day.