me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Whatever snack my kid doesn’t finish in her lunchbox, I just leave in there.
By Friday, she’s got a Golden Corral style buffet.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
So, Noah found two polar bears in the Mideast? And after the flood, he took them back to Canada? That sounds plausible. #GodScience
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.