Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
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Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
Meteorologist: FINALLY getting some cooler weather around here!
Me: Phew just in time for me to move my stepson to college on Monday.
Meteorologist: Except for Monday which will be 187 degrees.
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”