@badbanana

URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.

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@ixix82

“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”

@Jacob_Swift16

You know you’re the family addict when it’s time to light birthday candles & everyone looks at you knowing you have a lighter in your pocket

@alexlumaga

Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway

@HeyoShellz

Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic

8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t

@MariyaAlexander

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?

@maebemarbles

*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN

@jakob_huber

Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.

@Book_Krazy

Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?

Me: Does sex count as exercise?

Dr: Yes.

Me: No.

@3sunzzz

I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.