My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
can’t stop reading about defunct consumer brands
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
Coworker: will I be seeing you at the office ugly sweater party?
Me: no, I’m not ugly
I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
I have a disorder where every time I leave my house I spend $100
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
“Daddy, why do I have to go to school?”
“So you don’t end up like me”
“What, awesome?”
“Alright fine, no school today”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.