@DosieDoe

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

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@Mom_Overboard

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

@sonictyrant

Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?

@jackiembouvier

My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.

@SvnSxty

sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news

@djdarrellripley

Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!

@mydanimarie

FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate

@DaddyJew

Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting

@danguterman

Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.

@KalvinMacleod

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*