US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

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Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night


Me: i need some decoration for this cake

Store clerk: Icing?

Me: Yeah and I can beatbox, can we just focus on the cake?


My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.


sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news


Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.

Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!


FRIENDSHIP TIP: stick your head under the bathroom stalls and introduce yourself! You never know where you’ll find your soulmate


Boss: that’s the third time you’ve been late this week. What do you think we should do about this?

Me: stop counting


Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.


MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*