‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
You Might Also Like
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
“What if we just throw some pretty-colored marshmallows in with some cat food?”
-inventor of Lucky Charms
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
daddy how does Santa go to everyone’s house by morning?
“I dunno, time travel”
time travel isn’t real
“neither is Santa, go to bed”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
wishing you and yours all the best
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile