@TheOnion: ‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
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@jenstatsky: FUN THING TO WRITE ON A POST CARD: "Weather is great, having tons of fun! Are you still planning to murder your mailman?"
@onion_an: Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming [thinking of an excuse because I can't swim] Me: I got killed by a shark once
@: Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn't, I have some bad news
@samdunsiger: [How salad was created] You know, it would taste better if there was more of us. - Single piece of lettuce