us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
You Might Also Like
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
Every person you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by asking if they’re drinking enough water.
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
It was my nieces birthday recently so I asked my sister what present I should get her. She said “you can’t really go wrong with Frozen stuff”.
So I got her a bag of peas.
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.