[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
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I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I accidentally heated my Hot Pocket for 20:00 instead of 2:00 and now there’s a giant radioactive Hot Pocket in my apartment watching my tv
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]
Ahhhh, there it is…
Wife: Get off of me!!
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
(yawn)
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
House Hunters:
“Well I gotta be near the beach. A heliport would be a plus. I need 9 bedrooms, an IMAX theater & a moat. My budget is $314.”
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.