Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.
USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
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Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens
The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
The problem with political jokes is that they get elected.
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep