So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
*Backstreet Boys voice*
Am I acceptable?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
Waiter: I see you glass is empty, would you like another one?
Dad: Why would I want two empty glasses?
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Batman v Dracula
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
*power goes out*
wife: Great, I just bought ice cream
me [already eating it] I’m on it
“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.