@AaronFullerton

USA: “Hey nachos, today’s your big day!”
Nachos: “What about Cinco de Mayo?”
USA: “What’d you just say?”
Nachos: “Nothing.”

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@juliussharpe

Fun tip – instead of going on vacation with a baby, stand outside until you’re sunburned, then light $1,000 on fire.

@deelizabeth_

Biden: So I got a bunch of balloons and when he gets here–
Obama: Joe, please
Biden: –we’re gonna rub them on his hair & see what happens

@jnrbtsn

The worst part about being single is always doing what I want. Anytime. Anywhere. With whomever. That sucks.

@ClichedOut

HER: where were u last nite

ME: *turns on airplane mode*

HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???

@HepatitisAtoZ

the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range

@QwertyJones3

“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”

MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT

“Did you check his hand?”

NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait

@radtoria

Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home

@AnOrangeSNES

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

@ch000ch

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep