Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
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Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
My book group read “Ventriloquism for Dummies” this month. We met in the living room, but it sounded like we were in the kitchen.
If I’m eating at a restaurant and see a movie star, I always take a pen and paper over and ask “Will you pay for my meal?”
ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
These 3D printers are insane!
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.