@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

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@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@shashaintl

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@LaBelleMae

Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.

@That_Damn_Duck

*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Me: ….
Boss: …
Me: Church?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!

@omgthatspunny

The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

@pbear79

Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.

@jjhartinger

To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.

@externaljew

Women have been deprived of pockets for so long that they’ve evolved to this level of grip strength

@Reverend_Scott

VENOM: Time to meet your maker!

SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?

VENOM: No, like-

SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.