1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
Me:Oh my God….
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
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interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Me: Your move.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?
Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon
Him: you mean secret ingredient?
*catapult launching sound*
Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
“I’m a diamond in the rough.”
“That’s a whole lot of rough.”