Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
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11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Here in Canada, we leave everything unlocked so that burglars don’t risk getting glass in their hand when they punch through our windows.
*Watching YouTube videos*
Boss: What are you watching?
Boss: That’s a dog on a unicycle.
Me: Praise The Lord!
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.
Me: *trying to understand time zones* These things are all over the map.
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
Women have been deprived of pockets for so long that they’ve evolved to this level of grip strength
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.