@funnyordie

Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.

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@BunAndLeggings

1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.

@TweetPotato314

interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure

vanilla ice: *squinting* no

@turtlekiosk

guy with only ps4 and mattress on the floor who doesnt leave his apartment probably has the lowest carbon footprint but no one wants to talk about that

@KylePlantEmoji

Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death

Gladiator: Hell yeah

Madiator: well this is bullshit

@GrumpyBahr

Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!

Me: Then why is there a hell?

Preacher:……

Me: Your move.

@capnwatsisname

Him: this pie is delicious! Is it a family recipe?

Me: yes, and you’ll never guess the secret weapon

Him: you mean secret ingredient?

*catapult launching sound*

@kaytaa

Sometimes I ask my husband to put away the clean dishes so I can play kitchen scavenger hunt next time I need something.

@KeetPotato

me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”

@13spencer

“I’m a diamond in the rough.”

“That’s a whole lot of rough.”