Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.
*watch tv in separate rooms.
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
Periods are stupid. Why am I being punished for not being pregnant? Shouldn’t confetti be falling from my uterus?
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
[first date]
Me: I’m a very reserved person
Me: [5 minutes later] if aliens abducted me no one would miss me
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.