Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
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Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
Wife: [helping daughter with homework] the War of 1812 was between?
Daughter: I don’t know.
Me: [mouthful of skittles] 1811 and 1813.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
the last thing a carrot sees
US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
What if the weather talks about us?
Me: I like sunsets
Son: *squinting* sounds like something a vampire would say
Me:
Son: you’re also very pale
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!