“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
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The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Him: Could you be any more annoying?
Me: …I’ve been waiting my whole life for this question. Yes. Oh god, yes.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Walking around Boston lost and I turned on Google maps and started walking while looking at it. Walked straight into a stop sign.