You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present
Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours
The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.