@Darlainky

Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.

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@MBittersweet25

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

@badbanana

Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.

@carlyken

Look Disney all I’m saying is that if my stepdaughter brought a bunch of birds and mice into my mansion I’d make her clean up that shit too.

@2Saddington

Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two

Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too

@myonlymizztake

I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.

@LuvPug

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: [handing me $20] here’s your Christmas present

Me: thanks [handing it back] here’s yours

@samalmightysam

The world would be a better place if everybody drank alcohol. It would get even better if some of them choked on it.

@EJGomez

james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on

@Brianhopecomedy

I told my wife that size shouldn’t matter so she went out shopping and bought my “boys room” a new 4 inch TV.