My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
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If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
There weren’t any open tables at this sports bar so I yelled “Chad, you left your Jeep lights on!” and now I can sit wherever I want.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Hamburger Hinderer.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend