@Benoo_Brown

“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born

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@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@kimtopher22

I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.

@fro_vo

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

@mrsmith196645

I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.

@Contwixt

If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.

@HollyMemphis

Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.

@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.

@tylerschmall

Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.

@DaddyJew

Executioner: any last words?

Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch