Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
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I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
watergate? u mean a dam??
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Steve : I’m going to call it the Steveharmonic orchestra.
*Phil creeps up from behind with baseball bat*
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood