Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?
Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-
Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.
“Use your own words don’t just copy from the text book”
Book : She was born in 1986
Me: 1986 is the year she was born
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I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
Executioner: any last words?
Me: pineapple belongs on pizza. Hit the switch