[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall
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if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
I mowed the neighbor’s lawn today. He told me he loved me. “In a purely platonic way.” I told him he was the non-alcoholic grandfather I never had.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
This kid at the Bar just told me Nickelback is a better band than Metallica….
Long story short….Send bail money…
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.