[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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Occasionally, the universe will send a sniffly stranger to stand too close to you in the store and inexplicably follow you through a couple aisles. Just for funsies
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
Snap: i’m snap
Crackle: i’m crackle
Dad: hi snap and crackle i’m pop
Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
been a while since romaine lettuce has tried to kill us.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
[Confessional Booth]
Me: I can’t do anything right.
Priest: Please get off of my lap.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.