[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?


1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.

2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.


No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….


No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.


My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.


I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.


I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.