@Chumpstring

[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car

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@lovemyboots111

The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

@CanadianBeave13

Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.

@Stap_Jr

I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.

@ElgatoEsmio

Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.

@stevevsninjas

Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.

@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@squirrel74wkgn

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.