The reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
ME: my credit’s bad
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
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Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.