Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
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I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Hold that thought while I slip into something more comfortable.
*moves to Fiji*
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
Apparently “You should Google it” isn’t the best response when she asks how much do you love me?
Sigh, women are so demanding..
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.