Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
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yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Normalize responding to work emails with:
“What the fuck are you talking about?”
Always 🥴
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening presents]
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
When I was 11 I went to the mall and got a mullet. The MALL! A MULLET!
Then the next day I went again & had the back of it permed. PERMED!
Oh and also I got grounded, and my mom cried, and I may have ruined the Christmas card.
But I looked rad AF.
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.