I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
[concert venue]
Manager: Start the fog machine!
Me: *gulps* Fog?
*hundreds of frogs start falling on crowd
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
crazy
Oh we’ve met.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.
Freeloader.
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
“So, is there a MRS. A-Z?” – Lady hitting on Jason Mraz
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
If the human race has a “signature move,” its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.