her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy