@WilliamAder

Used way too much moisturizer and I may have to call in slick tomorrow.

You Might Also Like

@iamburtjarvis

[in bed]

her: u have done this before, right?

me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey

her: what?

me: what?

@Chhapiness

I have eaten all the Halloween candy, so this year trick or treaters are getting packets of Kikkomon soy sauce

@XplodingUnicorn

Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.

@Fred_Delicious

Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.

@lovejulieacafe

This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.

Well, he said they were pretty…

Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”

@MaverickBistro

Have you ever listened to some folks talk for a bit and thought … their cornbread ain’t done in the middle

@donewithalll

Why does Mommy always say no?

Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.

#Friyay

@ItsAndyRyan

Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy