#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
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superman landing like a plane on his belly
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Bartender: YOU’RE the guy that drinks from the soap dispenser in the toilets?
Me: [I try to say “NO” but it’s just lavender scented bubbles]
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I really would love to see two mimes arguing
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I feel seen.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!