Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

You Might Also Like


Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”


[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.


MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER


Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.


[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…


*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.



(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.


I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face


Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”