@Wtftab

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

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@Kiirkland

Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”

@FrazzleMyGimp

[on Ferris wheel]

ME: This is going great.

MY DATE: This is so weird.

UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.

@ValeeGrrl

MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[doctor’s office]

ME: I’m here for my test results

[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]

DR: I have some bad news…

@KimmyMonte

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

@mojo_bones_

Condescending:

(adj) showing patronizing superiority

(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.

@bourgeoisalien

I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face

@stephenjmolloy

Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”