Imagine you playing dead and the shooter yells out “tickle all the dead bodies”
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
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[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN’T FIND ANY SOCKS
ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
eating a straw so the turtles don’t have to