My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
I am now running out of paper towels.
[15 years ago]
Mom: Use protection. I’m too young to be a nana
M: I’ll pay for the Russian mail order bride. I WANT GRANDCHILDREN!!
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[At the Grand Canyon]
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
GC: Let’s just be friends