when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
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Parent teacher conferences in college:
Mom: how’s my son doing?
Prof: I’ve never seen this man in my life
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Alanis Morissette sings about having 10,000 spoons when all she needs is a knife. And nobody asks why she has 10,000 spoons?
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”