[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
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Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
I’m sorry you had a bad experience at our restaurant. To make it up to you, here is a coupon for more of our terrible, terrible food.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Golf would be better with landmines.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
When I said I liked it rough.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Saturday
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
Me: *sobbing* I’m a mess without you
Him: Ma’am pull around to the window, you’ll get your donuts in a minute
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.