Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] No
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.