My credit card company sent me a final notice bill. Good, I was tired of hearing from them
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Asteroid the size of two Newfoundland Dogs or five Goldendoodles or 12 Corgis or 27 Chihuahuas strikes earth off the coast of Iceland.
Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
what could possibly go wrong?
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
me: i have an imaginary gf
therapist: u can do better than that
me: i know, it’s just–
therapist: i was talking to her
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
peep davidson
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?