angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
The worst part of a 30-minute workout is the final 29 minutes.
Wikigenius
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
Credit card company called to ask about some charges on my statement.
It wasn’t a fraud check. They were just questioning my life choices.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
My kid not only replaced the toilet paper roll but put it on facing the right way, my parenting book is out this fall.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
Cargo pants are for when you want to wear khakis, but also want to be a backpack.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝