Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
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I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
It’s all fun and games until your Uber driver pulls up and he’s driving a hearse.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Good news, guys. According to WebMD, I only have mild rabies or possibly demonic possession.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.