@10kbabyspiders

Three seconds into a three way:

We need to hurry this up. I have to poop

@10kbabyspiders

Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.

@10kbabyspiders

You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.

@10kbabyspiders

Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.

@10kbabyspiders

While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.

@10kbabyspiders

My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.

Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.

@10kbabyspiders

I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.

@10kbabyspiders

Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?

Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.