Three seconds into a three way:
We need to hurry this up. I have to poop
Neo: I’m going to solve the Matrix
Agent Smith: Glitch, you thought.
I’m easily the third toughest guy at this casino breakfast buffet.
Netflix should have the option to not just resume from when you shut it off, but to resume from when you fell asleep.
You’re over 45. Better tell the cashier how many deer were in the yard this morning.
Weird how childhood memories are cloudy with a few very clear moments. Anyway, I remember when I was little there was a lady who pulled a hand full of loose Fritos from her coat pocket in the middle of a drug store and I don’t remember any of the 5th grade.
While looking in my rear view mirror, it looked like something was in my hair. It was my bald spot. My bald spot was in my hair.
My wife is at a movie tonight. The house is empty. You know what that means.
Bubble bath with all the lights on because I thought I heard a noise.
I probably would have won the bar fight had the gentleman not pinned down my flip flop and thrown off my footwork.
Son: How did you get that scar on your brow, dad? Boxing? MMA?
Me: Your mom was putting her purse in the backseat.