Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …
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A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
When I was a child, 49 seemed like such an ancient, faraway age, where people would probably totter about aimlessly and confused, forgetting everything, with parts of their decrepit body falling off. Now I actually am 49, I realise I was absolutely spot on.
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Avacado is butter mascarading as a vegetable.
Somebody had to say it.
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.