I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
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dvd? why are the Ds fighting??
At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter how many bowling pins you knock down, but whether or not you got a better score than the children playing in the lane next to you.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Doing taxes in the 90s:
Clippy pops up
“I see you’re trying to scam the tax system. Would you like help?”
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
[Veterans Hospital]
GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?
ME: Haha, well…interesting story
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
When I went to bed last night I had 47,000 followers. Now I have 700.
Did I spell something wrong?
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.
every single time