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Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
her: you seem really upset, what’s up?
me: [thinking about how many people died before cinnamon toast crunch was invented and will never know what it tastes like] uh just work stuff i guess
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
I cannot stop laughing at this
how do you get over the heartache of an ex whose cat ur never gonna see again?
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Möther may I have a snäck
I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
i choose….tongue
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.