i hope my email finds you on fire
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“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Let’s take a ouija board to the graveyard and make some prank calls
“It’s pronounced poor-shah, not por-shh.”
“Ok, got it doo-shah.”
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
[first date with woman who has a kid]
HER: i’m a single mom
ME: yeah no shit, how many moms did you think i thought you were
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.