Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
You Might Also Like
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The pot called the kettle black. The pot is silver…………we now have a situation in the kitchen.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Black Friday “markdowns” like
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.