Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
You Might Also Like
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
Somebody call the cops.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
Does the defense have any last words?
“Yes I do your honor…
THE FLOOR IS MADE OF LAVA”
[Judge & jury scramble to get on top of tables]
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.