10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
You Might Also Like
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
who will stop them
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.
Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.
Lesson: Do not ask me for advice
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
stages of eating a banana:
– oh hey a banana
– it’s so sweet
– so easy to chew
– I like bananas
– oh god I’m only halfway done
– how big is this banana
– I’m so bored
– will this ever end
– one bite left
– I’m throwing it away now
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard