if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
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Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
someone brought a box of lemons to work and emailed out saying “there’s lemons” and now every one has a lemon on their desk. why
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Danny Devito’s full name is Daniel DeTotototototo.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
I have jury duty tomorrow so whoever it is, they’re getting the chair
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.