@1Happytwit

Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.

@1Happytwit

Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.

@1Happytwit

I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@1Happytwit

Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@1Happytwit

It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.

@1Happytwit

Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@1Happytwit

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.