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Page of 1Happytwit's best tweets

@1Happytwit : Shouting "shotgun" will get you the good seat but not when you're boarding a plane.

@1Happytwit: They are only bad decisions if you get caught

@1Happytwit: I'm going commando for Valentines day. He's going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.

@1Happytwit: You shouldn't judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@1Happytwit: Once in your life, you'll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@1Happytwit: Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.

@1Happytwit: It's not about the sacrifices you have to make, it's about making sure your knife is sharp and they can't wiggle away.

@1Happytwit: Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.

@1Happytwit: A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short - now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

@1Happytwit: Cats don't come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can't put them in the washing machine.