@1Happytwit

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

@1Happytwit

Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.

@1Happytwit

HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.

@1Happytwit

I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.

@1Happytwit

There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.

@1Happytwit

Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.

@1Happytwit

I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.

@1Happytwit

I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.

@1Happytwit

I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.

@1Happytwit

Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.