Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
HR said I’m not allowed to try to hang co-workers with an extension cord. Dunno what I’m supposed to use though, they wouldn’t tell me.
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Firemen are always really friendly, until they figure out it was you that started the fire.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
I know I have 19 items in the 15 items or less isle, but I’m pretty sure the tampons, painkillers, cheesecake and tequila count as one item.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.