To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
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Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close
People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
Got a new washer and dryer today, and I’ve been doing laundry all day long. I’ve washed everything that can be washed. Getting ready to go ask the neighbors for their laundry now.
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My teen isn’t feeling well and WebMD says imminent death but Google classroom says imminent math test.
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
“He is woke.” – Millenial Easter
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.