Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
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Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
My husband would NEVER cheat on me.
He’s too lazy
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.
Me: I think I’m gonna do a live scream tonight
Her, about to regret asking this question: don’t you mean live strea-
Me: *inhales*
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like