Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
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Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
Kids are home for two weeks while their school is being cleaned. I want to blame the virus but in reality, Corona is how I wound up with three kids in the first place.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Boeing apologizes for miscalculating how many of you they could kill cutting corners before everyone got all mad
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
If u think ur parents did nothing for you, remember Jackie Shrof named his son Tiger and Bappi Da named his son Bappa. Respect your parents
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.